Regret, ever have it?

In May 2002, on the 15th, I lost one of my brothers at the age of 20. It's sort of a numbing feeling... we weren't always the closest, and I think once we lose a close relative, like a sibling, we want to make believe we were a lot closer than we really were. But there are still lots of regrets...

Growing up, Jesse was always the goof ball. He was always well liked, had lots of girlfriends and was the class clown. As a brother tho, he was a little different. He was always picking on me, and at times, would hurt my feelings, which I guess is what brothers and sisters do?! LOL, but he was still my brother and we did have some things that we bonded over, like sports.

While he would never pick me for a sports team, because I was a "girl" I knew that he thought I could hold my own, by the things he would do and say. When going to college, I wanted to become a sports journalist (broadcaster) and I remember when he saw my demo tape, he thought that was just the coolest thing!!! He couldn't believe that his sister was going to be a sports broadcaster... I remember him telling his friends about it, lol, it was really sweet. (I am not a sports broadcaster, that dream died with college). I have another fun memory, I remember that for a couple years in a row, we were starting to make a little tradition out of watching the home run derby together every year, it was something we really enjoyed doing :)

Jesse and I, while very different, we were a lot of the same and I think in many ways we suffered from the same things. Jesse up until around the age of 13-14, was a premier athlete, good student and really popular. And while a whole lot didn't change after 14, he started to get mixed up in other things, and all of the great things Jesse had going started to fall away. He started to become a kid who was always getting into trouble, he was mixed up with the wrong things... I think that most of my anger toward Jesse came from his bad behavior, and the attention that was taken from the rest of us, and always given to him.  It was really frustrating... (I can't go into a lot of detail here, we'd be here for hours) but I think that I started to build up this wall of anger toward Jesse, and the anger turned into resentment. To the point that when I would drive him back home to my moms, after he would come stay the weekend, we would say nothing to one another on the 15 minute car ride, he would say "bye" as he got out, and that was it.

I remember one day tho, that I was driving him home, I could tell he was really trying to talk to me, and I wasn't really having anything to do with it, showing VERY little interest in what he was saying. We pulled up in front of my moms, and he said, "hey, you know Denzel Washington has that new movie out, John Q, do you think you might want to go see that with me sometime?" I remember saying, with sort of a surprise, "yeah, that's cool. I will call you and let you know what my work schedule is and we can plan something." He said "OK, love you Megan.."

Well, as the story goes, this was the last time I really remember talking to my brother. This was a couple months before he died... we never saw the movie, I never called him, because I was TOO BUSY! I won't tell you that I think about this EVERY day, but I think about it all too OFTEN, and it hurts me deeply that I would brush him off like that. I have such REGRET over this, I have such PAIN over this, I have never seen the movie and every time I even see that it's on, I replay the whole conversation over again. I am crying as I write this, but it pains me to think that I couldn't carve out 2.5 hours to go and see a movie with my brother, a brother who is no longer here for me to make it up too.

It hurts me when I try really hard to get family together, see people and the effort isn't returned. I think that I try so hard, because I don't want to have that regret feeling if something happens! I have a busy life too, and I think that we all do, but there are some things that shouldn't pass us by. I think I needed to write this to help me heal after almost 11 years, but I am really going to make a HUGE effort to stop and MAKE the time for people that are important. I think honestly, it's too important not too. Jesse's death was a HUGE shock to all of us, it was not something we had been anticipating and that can be any one of us at any time.

So Jesse, if you can hear me, I am sorry, I am sorry I didn't take 2.5 hours out of my busy schedule to go with you to the movies. I am sorry we couldn't have spent that time together, it makes me sad and I am hopeful that I will see you again in heaven and when I get there, there will be a giant, huge hug with your name on it. I miss you brother. I am glad tho, that this memory has inspired me to step up my game! Love, Megan