Clear Conscience - 1st Tim 1:19 "Cling to your faith in Christ, and keep your conscience clear. For some have deliberately violated their consciences; as a result, their faith has been shipwrecked."
For a long time now, maybe even a year or two, I have struggled with depression. I never felt it was a chemical imbalance in my brain, but that it was more physical. I went on a very low dose of meds for depression, because I was reaching a point of feeling like "SOMETHING has to take away what I am feeling!!" Of course, it didn't help, and I think that's because there are two forms of depression and the chemical imbalance that people have, is usually what the meds will help with.
I had visited a family doctor earlier in the year, and discussed the weight gain I have had in the last two years. After having my daughter in December 2011, I lost very minimal weight and struggled with heavy depression and ZERO motivation to take the weight off. My doctor looked worried and scared for me, literally, and told me I needed to see someone immediately. She first suggested a therapist, but then mentioned, you may even need to see a psychiatrist. I remember thinking, what? really? Well, I called the number she had given to me, and instead of going that route, I had decided that if I was going to see someone, I needed to see a Christian therapist who could really funnel in all that God was trying to speak to me.
Thankfully, through a friend who had trusted and confided in me, I knew just who to call. I contacted her immediately and scheduled my first appointment. I was thrilled to find out that she had an opening!! I remember being nervous. I had done this before a couple years back, for different reasons, and it didn't go so well. After 6 months, I didn't feel like any progress was being made at all, and pulled away. So would this time be the same? Nope, not a chance. I was meant to make that call, I was meant to find this particular therapist, and this time WOULD be different. I met a women who was completely anointed by God himself, the presence of him, was THINK, he filled every nook of that room. Even in the first visit, I knew that through God, she would be able to help me.
(Laughing), sometimes, we really need to be careful what we wish for, (laughing again)... I seriously thought that we would be discussing my eating habits, what I like about food, why do I think I eat, my activity and so on... which would help lead to what is causing me so much pain, right? Wrong. Instead, by our second meeting, she was already telling me that deep seeded sin was the cause of all my problems. Huh? WHAT? Sin???
If I am being HONEST, I can say truthfully, that my "conscience" had not been clear for a very long time!! That had taken a hold of me in different ways, for me, I could see it in my weight gain, my depression... Let's be real, we are the ones who know ourselves best (outside of God), we know what it is that needs to be cleaned up and what really is holding us back from having the most awesome amazing relationship we possibly can have with him. The constant reminder from the enemy that we are a mess, a wreck held in deep bondage!!! We sing about being "set free" but are we really "FREE" when sin is so clearly taking over our life and day to day? The enemy wants me to feel like my load is TOO HEAVY, TOO BIG to unload - But I have GREAT NEWS FOR ALL WHO ARE READING... My God is BIGGER than ALL of that. In fact he even says in Romans 8:28 that he will work ALL things to the good of those who love him. So even my deep dark sin, that separates me from him, he is working that to good! Isn't that just amazing, only our God would take something that he despises and work it to the good in our life and to bring HIM glory!!! He promises that he CAN free me from it all!!!
I know that living a completely sin free life is nearly impossible, we are sinful beings. But I love that I am learning how to identify and be completely aware of the sin in my life and praying to God that he shows me and holds my hand through how to overcome it. Thank GOD that he knows my heart, so even if I catch myself 10x in a day and repent with a sorrowful heart, I know I am forgiven. And I am only going to get better at NOT sinning!!! As long as I ask and go to my father in heaven, I AM FORGIVEN.
I am working on trying to live a life with a CLEAR CONSCIENCE. I don't want the weight of my sin to hold me down anymore; God will and can free me 100% as long as I am willing to put forth the effort to be healed and freed from my bondage.
Thank GOD that my God is bigger than any obstacle I will ever face. Thank GOD that his love is UNconditional - to love someone regardless of the loved one's qualities or actions!!! Grateful and thankful that I am made in the image of the One-True God!!
The Question isn't "Can I get away with it?" it's "Can I live with it afterwards? Will it prevent or promote HIS blessings in my life? How will it affect my confidence before God? How does he feel about it?"
